JesseCapelli.com

[Chaosengine]

I know we aleady have topics kinda like this, but I wouldn't feel right about hijacking them.

I've been a gamer since back in the 2600 days (I own an original Pong console) and I have played me some f'ed up games. That's what this topic is for, games that messed with your head. They can be good or bad games, just ones that include things that caused mental trauma or brain damage.

Personally, I'm gonna start with a bit o' nostalgia on my part. The gory Namco masterpiece "Splatterhouse". Released in 1988, this side scrolling freak fest had a warning on the box LONG before the ESRB. Around before Resident Evil, Silent Hill or Doom, Splatterhouse pissed off parents and teachers alike with its revolting game play.

Here's my top five WTF picks: (These represent my personal opinions only)

5) The Gut Room - Entering this chamber, you're treated to two piles of guts on either side of you. Both are covered with these squirming pink things... which are actually giant lampreys! Now you've got to fight off these disgusting blood-suckers (literally) with your bare hands. Nice.

4) The... uh... Thing - While exploring the mansion you come across what could best be described as a crawling, aborted fetus. With a little face. It isn't fast and doesnt throw anything at ya. I'm convinced the programmers stuck it in there just to screw with you. Damn.

3) Mansion Womb and Sperm Beasts - That's right, the mansion is alive AND pregnant... uh... yeah. The walls begin spewing these silvery, white blobs that look like partially formed embryos. They make this tittering, bubbling noise and when you kill 'em... they form a puddle on the walls or floor that looks like... you figure it out.

2) Bag Head - Games feature a lot of diffrent boss fights for us. Dragons. Golems. Mutilated corpses with bags over their heads and dual-chainsaws for arms. What?! Yep, the first boss is just that. They even give you a pump-action shotgun to fight 'im with. Go ahead, empty it on 'em, it usually isn't enough.

1) Hi Honey! - My favorite WTF moment is a happy reunion between Rick (our hero) and his lady love. Resting on a love seat, she stands up lookin' all pretty and disheveled. She literally speaks to you in a digitized voice and sez, "H... h... help Me!" She then proceeds to change into a disgusting hell beast and tries to kill you. During the fight she reverts back several times and begs you to help her, only to become monstrous again until you beat her death. That's not even the end of the game!! Shit...

Well, there ya go. I reccomend you find a copy of this mofo and give it a spin. There are three games in the series (not including the cutesy-poo SD japanese one). The first was in the arcades and released on the Turbo Graphix (I own one) the last two on the Genesis.

Got a few WTF moments from your favorite games? Well share 'em! I'll be postin' more of my own over time.

Happy Gamin'
_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."

[Vergil]

If I remember correctly, Namco and Bandai are remaking it for the PS3 and Xbox 360. I look forward to it.

(EDIT: Yup, I was right. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splatterhouse_(2009_video_game) )
_________________
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/vergil - Home of Vergil's ranting and of would-be fantasy epic, Insontis Somnium. Go there, NOW.:E

[Chaosengine]

Game #2 is Beast Wrestler for the Genesis. Released in 1991, this heap featured giant monsters wailin' the shit out of each other. Nothing like Primal Rage or King of the Monsters, this thing tried its hand at traditional wrestling with some fucked up inclusions.

The control was wretched, stiff and mostly consisted of button mashing and a lot of cursing. There were no health bars so you had no idea who was winning. It had a story mode and a versus, but the WTF stuff was in the story mode.

Here they are:

3) Self Improvement - In between matches you had a chance to train your giant freak. You visited a shop where you could buy shit with the money you earned from victories. What products and services could you indulge in? Weight lifting? Sauna? TLC? FUCK NO, bull whips and steroids!!
That's right, why bother treatin' this giant asshole nicely when you can crack his ass and drug him up. This monster abuse gimmick continues through the whole damn game!

2) Victory - There was no referee in this game, so that means no three count. How do you win? Beat the other guy to DEATH!! I don't mean a soft death either, these fuckers could take a beating. When you finally pounded the bastard enough, he collapsed to the ground squealing like a pig... yeah, you could hear it over your speakers! This pathetic, trilling death rattle that, frankly, was kinda tasteless.

1) Hang in There Champ - My favorite part of this shit pile let you play mad scientist. When your big, miserable punch dummy had been beatin' enough during story mode, you got a chance to help him out. Surgery? Retirement? Club Med? Try chucking him into a bio tank along with the corpse of a fallen opponent and merging them together into a new, disgusting mutant! Hot shit, thats called fukkin' recycling! You could do it more than once, too! Multiple acts of god, pleasant shit, huh?

Well, thats about it. This game pretty much sucked, but I got it for like 5 bucks at a video store that no longer exists. That was about... 12 years ago. Unlike Splatter House, I DON'T reccomend you buy and play this damn game.

Only YOU can prevent monster abuse!
_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."

[Chaosengine]

(NoteThe following is for cheap laughs only, don't take it seriously.

Okay, our next victim is Bad Dudes by Data East. I didn't know this, but the complete title for this game is "Bad Dudes VS. Dragon Ninja". Sounds like one of those cheesy kung fu movies from the 70's.

This game was an attempt by Data East to bank off the popularity of Double Dragon. Featuring two identical protagonists named "Blade" and "Striker" (ugh), you were beatin' the shit outta hordes of ninjas to rescue the president.

So here's my top four WTF moments...

4) Who Ya Gonna Call? - President Ronnie gets kidnapped, so who do they get to spearhead the rescue? The Army? The Navy? Green Berets? Navy Seals? HELL NO!! They call a couple of douchebags who look like back up dancers from Michael Jackson's Beat It video!! What the hell, man?? Is this the best they could do? Goes to show how well his term was goin. What??? The pres is gone? Shit, send those guys from West Side story, that'll work! Fuck.

3) He Looks Familiar... - The guy who gives the mission to these fucktards looks like somebody I've seen before. Hmmm... wait... SHIT!! He looks like Duke Nuke 'Em!! Seriously! Google Image search this game and look till ya see him, you'll know immediately when ya spot him. Holy Hell, Duke was in charge of the Secret Service?? Prolly not, cuz had it been Duke, he woulda ripped their heads off and shit down their necks. Prolly the president too. Duke was cool like that.

2) Ruining My Childhood - After Data East had been around for awhile, they decided to pick a mascot. Based on a cool game they brought to the arcade, it was Jimborov Karnovsky from a little game called Karnov. I loved this game as a kid. It was the only one I knew of that featured a Russian, fire-breathing strongman as the main character. So how did they immortalize this unique fellow? Stick him in Bad Dudes as a shitty boss!! Seriously, he's the first boss and he's the EASIEST one in the game! They got rid of his mustache, made him fat and dressed him in what looks like red sweat pants!! Thanks, Data East, you assholes!!

1) Bad Reward - So you kicked the shit out of Dragon Ninja and saved Ronnie, what's your reward? Congressional medals of honor? Faces on the cover of Time magazine? Yeah right, president Ronnie takes you out for a burger. A fukkin' BURGER!!! The japanese ending at least had him give you a pair of statues ala Rocky, but BURGERS?!?! Why did they change it?!?! Shit man, I can't even fathom the conversation that lead to this decision.

Well, suffice it to say, Bad Dudes was interesting to say the least. The two player mode was the only redeeming quality and it got repetitive real fast. It's one of those games that was so cheesy it was cool. Not to me, but someone. Yeah.

Damn.
_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."

[Symphony]

Hehe, I remember when I was playing Fallout 2. I was pretty surprised that after having travelled through a ravaged wasteland and fought against all kinds of mutated creatures, you came to a town with, among other things, a porn studio. In it you could take part in the scenes, or even be a fluffer on the set. I had to try it all of course, but I found that being a fluffer got your character poisoned, so I re-loaded.
_________________
Constance Mayflower's bio

Constance Mayflower's diary

The Mayflower Diaries

[Chaosengine]

Poisoned? Seriously? I'm gonna have to try that!


_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."

[Tsavo]

Hmm. I remember actually dropping a lot of quarters on Bad Dudes, all things considered it wasn't that bad. I mean most games in the arcade didn't make much sense. What the fuck was up with Donkey Kong 3?
_________________
Owner of the Lion's Den Pub.
Tsavo's story:
Somewhere to Help You Sleep

[Chaosengine]

Ask and ye shall receive, Tsavo, so we're goin' with Donkey Kong 3.

Released to American arcades in 1986, Donkey Kong 3 was a HUGE departure from what everyone loved. The gameplay was different, the level designs were different, hell the WHOLE game was un-recognizable!

Here's my top 3 WTF's...

1) What the Kong? - Donkey loved hurlin' shit and kidnappin' chicks. We came to accept that. So what's he doin' in this game? Hangin' around a greenhouse, wreckin' flowers and attractin' bugs!!! The fuck is that shit?!
Either Kong is gettin' soft on us, or he's lookin' for weed.

2) RAID!!! - The protagonists weapon of choice? Not a hammer, but a freakin' can of bug spray. Ya know, to fight the bugs. Bullshit, you're supposed to be fightin' Kong, not insects, this isn't CENTIPEDE!! I can't feel manly runnin' around with this fukkin' thing! To get even more fukked up, you can spray Kong up the ass until climbs to the top to clear the level!! Donkey, I hope Nintendo compensated you for the loss of your ape-hood.

3) Who?! - Our hero in this game, sadly, aint who you think it is. It's some douchebag named Stanley. Who the FUCK is Stanley?! Where's Mario?? Has Kong fallen so far that his own nemesis doesn't care anymore?? I can't bring myself to give a shit about this guy. Am I bein' too hard on him? Think about this, you sit down in a theatre to watch Ghostbusters 3. The movie starts and instead of seein' Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, and the rest... you see Fred Savage, Pauley Shore, and Crispin Glover. WTF????
You walk out!! You have expectations as a fan, and it's up to the big shots to give you what you want!! Supply and Demand, bitch!! This Stanley asshole made an appearance in the Saturday morning cartoon back in the 80's that featured all the arcade classic characters like Q-Bert and Frogger. Fuck Stanley and everybody who looked like Stanley!!!

Okay, I'll calm down. Donkey Kong was a classic and it always will be. Three was a big risk and I guess they deserve some credit. Ya know what? Everybody knows who Donkey Kong is, nobody remembers fukkin' Stanley.

Case closed!!!
_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."

[Tadelesh]

Speaking of Mario.. there are several things about the Mario games that I go "WTF?" at.

Firstly, one of the most common things - how you kill your enemies. You jump on them and squish them with your bodyweight! WTF?

Secondly, another common thing - mushrooms. You eat a magic mushroom and grow bigger! Sweet, but WTF?

Thirdly, the raccoon. You take on raccoon features, but what does it allow you to do? That's right, fly! WTF? Have you ever seen a raccoon fly?

There are others, but I currently have a mind block.
_________________
Wow, sarcasm! That's original.

[Tsavo]

Since you're on a roll I'll throw this one out there. The first time I ever said WTF in an arcade it was Chiller.
_________________
Owner of the Lion's Den Pub.
Tsavo's story:
Somewhere to Help You Sleep

[xivk]

Guess one I can think of would be in conkers bad fur day seeing as almost all objects had eyes and can talk one part was when you save a pitch fork from a giant hay stack terminator and when hes thanking you the paint can and brush that try to get ya killed at first glance wore the guillotine set up with scythes before you look again and there normal.

That whole scene is wtf. lol
_________________
Fursona Info.

I am the ghost of games... What i am, all i will be
-Xivk

[Chaosengine]

Chiller, released in arcades in 1986, was a horror, light gun game released by Exidy. Banned in the U.K. (??) for violent content, it featured torture devices and lotsa gore.

Here's my WTF picks...

3) Your Objective Is... - You shoot everything and I mean EVERYTHING!! Body parts, birds, ghosts, bats, captives, winches and pulleys... shit, you'd probably have to shoot your gramma if she was in it! Thats too much damn shit bouncin' around the screen at once. It gave me a fukkin' headache!!

2) Play Time? - There were only four stages and they got repetitive REAL fast. Hell, Operation Wolf and Space Gun had way more stages than this. The screens themselves were cliche and lame to begin with. The fascination of squashing some guys head in a vice was the ONLY reason anyone wanted to play this.

1) You Call THIS scary? - No it wasn't. The graphics sucked, the monsters were lame and the people looked like dummies. Blowin' the chunks off of 'em was graphic, I guess... It was tuff takin this shit seriously. I know it was a LONG time ago, but still. Most of the guys in my school thought it was the shit. Well they were right, it was SHIT!!

I remember a lot of gun games in the arcade that were cool. This wasn't one of 'em. Then again, I am a pretty picky asshole, so...
_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."

[Chaosengine]

[DesertWolf]

How about eating a daisy to shoot fireballs?
_________________
“If you love life, don’t waste time, for time is what life is made up of.”

– Bruce Lee

[Chaosengine]

Alright folks, strap on your straight jackets cuz we're in some shit now! The next game fukked my brain really bad back when I first played it. A guy I know brought it over to my house to give it a spin, but neither of us knew what we were in for.

The box had a vague warning about disturbing imagery, but what the fuck does that mean? Well, an hour into it and we were both scarred for life.

I'm talkin' about D2 for the Dreamcast. Released in 1999 by Warp (seriously), the game was supposed to appear on the now defunct Panasonic M2 system, which was a follow up to the 3DO (yuck).

Warp trashed the original concept and redid it from the ground up. A survival horror game, many state its the best game of its kind on the Dreamcast. I don't disagree in the fact that it was complex, scary and had high production value. I DO state the the games psycho, sexual overtones was just too fukkin' much!

Here are my top FIVE WTF moments...

5) Smoochy, Smoochy! - After Laura (the protagonist) survives a plane crash, she wakes up in a cabin with a chick named Kimberly. Not even ten minutes into the scene, some guy who looks like Albert Wesker busts in and mutates into a fukkin' plant monster! The fukkin' weed proceeds to "orally invade" ol' Kimberly! Jesus, what is this?? Overfiend?! Keep that shit outta here!! Resident Evil never did this shit!!!

4) Grampa?? - Several key characters take refuge in a mining complex. Amongst them are Laura, some old guy and his grandaughter. Ol' gramps get infected by the "weed disease" or whatever and mutates just like mentioned above. Only his plant part erupts from his crotch!!! Yeah! A giant plant dong that proceeds to spray white stuff everywhere!!! Christ on crutches!! Grampa, this is why I can't take you anywhere!! Not even to our family reunion, you sick ol' FUCK!!

3) File Not Found - The disease is traced back to a weird business (wow really? never heard that before!) and you've got to shut 'em down. You track down their central computer and now you gotta blow it up. The comp, however, looks like... a chick with no head and her legs splayed!!! The target is right in her love cave!! Hells bells!! Couldn't they let up for once?? Glad I don't work tech support for that company!

What? System crash? What OS ya runnin'? Windows Vagina?? Well, no wonder, that one is prone to viral infection! EWWWW!!!!!

2) Tumors?? - The last boss aint no tyrant, or nemesis. It looks like a huge tumor covered with eyeballs... with a little scrotum underneath containing a wrinkled necromancer. I ain't makin' this up, seriously! You gotta fight it, and halfway through, it renders you blind, deaf and dumb!!! Right, a blank screen with no sound!! Actually, I'm kinda gratefull for that. Less shit to burn into my brain...

1) Aim for the Groin, Gunbuster!! - Remember ol' Kim from number 5? Well, she's got some clones runnin' around. Why?? Fuck if I know, but the one in the cabin who gets infected decides to attack you. Naked. With a plant monster comin' out of her vagina. *cough* Climbin' on the walls and celing like Spider-Man. Fukkin' Fajitas!! Do I even have to explain WHY this is fukked?!?! You gotta blow her away with machine guns no less!! When a guy in the Army sez he's huntin' for pussy, THIS is NOT what he was talkin' about!!!!

Gawd Damn... I feel sick. I know people loved this game and all, but I'm not one of 'em. It got mixed reactions both here AND in Japan. Gee, I wonder why? If you ever find a copy, play it. I dare ya. Just so you can understand what I'm talkin' about.

Oh and that guy who brought it over? We ain't friends no more.

Excuse me a moment... *puke*
_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."

[Axelord58]

Well, after going over the reviews for these messed up games, I am consistantly reminded of the vids of a guy called the 'Angry Video Game Nerd' who reviewed old games from the old 8-bit Nintendo days and believe me there were some really bad ones. He's also done other platforms as well but Nintendo was king in the '80's and he 'REALLY' rips them as well. Anyhoo I felt that needed to be addressed and here's a link to see the vids (some of which, of course, are on YouTube). Enjoy!

http://www.cinemassacre.com/new/
_________________
"If it ain't broke, just wait awhile. Because it will be.

[Chaosengine]

That's who I'm ripping off, kinda...

James Rolfe is a genius, his vids are hilarious.

You should also check out Ya Know What's Bullshit and his various movie reviews.

So if sombody has already done it, why rip 'em off?

Well, it's funny for one thing. You can find literally HUNDREDS of serious game reviews everywhere without even trying. What about smart-ass reviews? They're gettin' popular since AVGN started it, but I'm sure he wasn't the first either.

Why not throw you're hat in, I always say. Besides, I'm tryin' to use some of the most obscure games I can find. Keep things from being a blatant act of plagirism.
_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."

[Axelord58]

The really funny thing is that he hasn't done a review of one of the most god awful games in existence, ET for the classic Atari system. I can still remember the day I played it like yesterday (and no it wasn't for any wiseacre who want's to comment on that), and I still hate that game. He's said he'd get around to it and I fear for mankind on that day.
_________________
"If it ain't broke, just wait awhile. Because it will be.

[Chaosengine]

Well, he did do Superman64.... *shudders* thats almosts as bad...

Almost.
_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."

[Greg]

[peter_wolf]

...Zelda....oh well each his own...an to be honest wind waker even though it was so kiddish it was the best in my book i mean come on you actually kill ganindorff....by shoving your sword through his skull...
_________________
you all saw it, the orphanage attacked me first.

[xivk]

wait seriously?
_________________
Fursona Info.

I am the ghost of games... What i am, all i will be
-Xivk

[peter_wolf]

ya at the end Zelda throws his sword into the air and then slams it into gannindorffs head..
_________________
you all saw it, the orphanage attacked me first.

[xivk]

Dam! How does he keep coming back. ?_?
_________________
Fursona Info.

I am the ghost of games... What i am, all i will be
-Xivk

[Greg]

[peter_wolf]

...it's just another game that makes you say WTF if you ask me....now on that note what about marathon...that game was just all around WTF.
you had to fight cardboard looking aliens that shot out blue balls and all you had was a pistol...you could not jump but you ran so fast that if you did not pay attention or if you did not know where to go you would get lost for hours trying to find a door that looks like a wall......
_________________
you all saw it, the orphanage attacked me first.

[peter_wolf]

also if any one has played dead space thats a definat mind fuck...in the end of the game your girlfriend kills you...
_________________
you all saw it, the orphanage attacked me first.

[xivk]

Ironeeee
_________________
Fursona Info.

I am the ghost of games... What i am, all i will be
-Xivk

[Ashton Gray]

We don't know if Isaac dies or not, just that he gets attacked. I mean, let's face it, he's survived similar attacks and worse throughout the entire game.
_________________
Silentium est aurum

[Chaosengine]

Splatterhouse: Revisited!

Yeah, I know, I already covered this one. It's not about gameplay this time, it's about that ugly little word: censorship. The version we got on the Turbo Graphix was censored all to hell. A fact which doesn't cease to piss me off.

The comparison makes it obvious, our version was chopped to bits. The arcade was gorier and WAY more disturbing and is the superior version to play... if you can find it.

These are my top WTF censored moments...

3) The area where Rick starts in the U.S. version just looks like a shitty cave, but in actuality it's a sick dungeon FULL of captives and desicated corpses. The creatures chained to the wall aren't zombies, they're prisoners vomiting up their bloody entrails before dying! The infamous 2x4 that you find is really supposed to be a meat cleaver. The development team thought that chopping zombies in half with a spray of gore was too much. Pussies...

2) The stage where you fight the severed heads is supposed to be a church. They darkened the background and removed the stained-glass windows to tone it down. The boss itself isn't supposed to be a head at all, it's really an upside down cross! The weapon you find here in our version was the very awesome golden cleaver, but it's really supposed to be a wood axe. Why they changed it I'll never know. After the boss is killed, the church brightens and the music gets happier, but suddenly turns sinister again for seemingly no reason. Well the reason is in the arcade version. While Rick is basking in the glow of the purified church, Jennifer's blood curdling scream issues from house beyond. Yeah, they cut the scream out... why??

1) Speaking of Jennifer, there's the whole theory flying around that she didn't die in the first game, that the boss is really a clone. After seeing the fight on the arcade, I'm not so sure. During this disturbing event, ol' Jennifer says several things to you instead of just "Help me". They include "kill me", "thank you" and "goodbye" as she's dying. What kind of monster would say that to a guy who just killed it? Only the real deal would do that! Besides, don't most shape changers revert to their original forms when they die?? She changed to Jennifer at death, not a monster! They removed whole phrases of digitized dialog for the chick! The extra voice only makes the ensuing tragedy worse for poor Rick. Damn.

Well, fuck it, it's not important. The game was released uncensored on the Japanese FM Towns Marty computer a few years after the arcade, so a portable version for emulation is out their somwhere. Although MAME seems to be the preferred method.

If you want to see and compare the differences yourself, just youtube the pc engine version and the arcade and see for yourself.

I think you'll agree the nastier one is by far the better one.

UPDATE: Now playing... on my system... arcade perfect... uncensored...

SPLATTERHOUSE!!! SHIT YEAH!!!! With complete music and sound effects!! *weep*

Early Birthday present!!
_________________
"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.
The bars are temples, but the pearls ain't free...
You'll find a god in every golden cloister,
And if you're lucky then the god's a she..."