JesseCapelli.com

[Shadow_Twisted]

The actual day itself is probably more of an October deal, but soon enough my wife and I will be moving out of this nightmare and into our own home. It's a short sale and our offer has been accepted. Now it's just time to wait through all the paperwork and a possible counter from the bank, but it's just time to save for furniture and such.

[Silvador]

Congrats. Best of luck, Shadow.
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[Rune174]

Good luck dude.
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[Artyom Derison]

Good luck with everything Shadow
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[Tariel_Uhara]

Congratulations, dear Shadow. Sounds like life is going along great for you.
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[Shadow_Twisted]

Thanks all of you. And I figure I'll just throw this out there because I find it funny myself. "Short sale" isn't named because the process is shorter in duration, it's because the bank still ends up coming up short of what is owed. It's pretty much the step before foreclosure and can take longer to process than other types of sales.

Probably the 2 most important upcoming events are the bank's acceptance/counter and the appraisal. These 2 things will likely determine what, if anything, we need to pay for closing costs.

[Rune174]

So in short, they are making you pay more to get into the home.
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[Shadow_Twisted]

[henkcobra]

I hope that your new love nest is nice and warm

Could you tell us more about the house? How many rooms? were in the country? Can you put solarpanals on the roof?
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[Shadow_Twisted]

Update: Closing happened!!!!!

So yeah, the house is officially ours. Sad part is I took four days off of work to move based on when we were told our loan funds would come in. We actually closed on the last day of my "vacation". Fortunately half of the days off were my normal days off, so not like I'm out a full week of work. Moving day is on the horizon and the first day of freedom to follow. It was all a tense process and one I don't think I'll be looking forward to doing again anytime soon. On the plus side, we have the weekend to paint our main focus rooms before the furniture gets moved in. Utilities and moving should all be in order soon.

[Tariel_Uhara]

Congrats man. That's great to hear it worked for you!
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[Shadow_Twisted]

And in typical fashion, I shot myself in the foot. That is to say, I'm unemployed now. Sadly enough, I think I have realized that I cannot handle full-time work. I have some issues, mostly resulting from antisocial behaviors and general anxiety. If I could see a specialist, there's a chance I could get on disability. This is just a slim chance, of course, and I can't really afford to seek out professional help right now. I lack self-confidence, which is already bad. Couple that in with a nearly crippling fear of other people, a physical reaction to stress, and you have yourself one emotionally unstable individual. I hate the way I feel, but worse yet is the thought that I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I get anxious or depressed for no reason, and that usually result in a restless state of trying to find something to do without anything being able to hold my interest. The worst is when I start to get lost in my thoughts. My mind goes to places I don't like, generally revolving around existence, and the thoughts I find there are... disturbing to say the least. I've tried to commit suicide in the past, but I know very well that that is not an option anymore. I can't do that to my wife or my family. The whole situation is just tense and uncomfortable and I wish I could just stop the world for a bit to get composure. I drown in my own head, but can't find anyone to talk to about it. I have no support system here, and my mom is dead to me for reasons I don't feel like getting into. Feel free to ignore this rant, but for some reason it just feels good to get it out of me.

[DesertWolf]

If you ever want someone to talk to,let me know.I'll be there for you whenever you need me.
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[Rune174]

There is no shame in that. I was pretty much in the same boat and still pretty much there. I found out that I still a course shy of my degree, and quit my old job. You may see this in the loss of breath thread, but I had a serious meltdown at a local restraunt to the point of nearly passing out in public. Not exactly the most endearing moment.
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[ShadowFox13]

Hi Shadow it's been a while. First off please let me congratulate you with your house.
And I just want you to know that we're all here for you. Some of us have also been in very dark places and can relate to you with some common ground. I'm glad to hear that you don't see suicide as an option, it takes strong character to turn away from the easy choice and think about its effect on those around you. You can make it through this I have faith in you and I'm sure that I'm not the only one. But if you need help remember that there is nothing wrong with asking for it.
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[Shadow_Twisted]

The following is something I felt possessed to write one day, probably to explain to my wife about my feelings

I start to think about it and the fear starts closing in around me. Then there comes the whispers in my head, the ones that tell me the things I don’t want to hear. “No one loves you.” “You’re a failure.” The doubts and fears wash over me like a flood and freeze me in place and chill me to the core. I begin to resist, and while I’m free to do so, the pain begins. It’s like little daggers stabbing at my chest, and my throat tightens up. I don’t want to do this; I just want to be left alone. And what is this impossible horrible task that keeps me in such a horrid state? Would you believe it’s as simple as just making a phone call? Thinking of interacting with anyone I don’t already know brings this out in me, worse if it’s a face-to-face visit. I always feel like everyone hates me or is going to hate me and there’s no point in bothering. I strive for failure, because I can’t accept that I’m good at anything. I put on the front of happiness, and I try to be successful. But then the drive dies and withers, complacency sets in and then leads to the doubts and fears, and finally comes the failure I secretly knew would be there. What makes matters worse is that I know I NEED to have a job to pay bills. I have responsibilities and duties and people that are counting on me being able to work, but there’s something deep inside of me that doesn’t want to be successful and sabotages me whenever I try. I don’t like feeling like this, why is it a fight for me to feel happy? I need help, but help requires money that I can’t get without a job and the stress of dealing with this… ‘thing’ makes that very difficult. I can’t just give up, though, I’m not that selfish. So how do I get over this? How do I live when it’s so clear that I am not meant for anything but sorrow and misery for myself and anyone around me? Why is it if anyone wants to argue that I’m good or that there’s hope do I just want to call them a liar?

There's also something else, while I admit that a part of what holds me back from suicide is the impact on others, the larger part of the fear of what follows. Religion has been hard for me to accept because I just simply can't find a scenario for an afterlife that doesn't terrify me. Sadly, this fear is also part of what drives the idea, since the only way to find out what happens after death is to die.

I know I want and need help, I can't keep all of this buried anymore. The problem is finding it. At this point, I almost wish someone would Baker Act me so the ball would get rolling. The way things are, every day I live is turning into a battle to keep myself alive and I just feel that if something isn't done, I'll see my life as a living hell and worse than anything that can await me on the other side.

With all that said, it's likely without a part-time job or being placed on disability that I will have to quit my membership. Powerful motive to stop visiting forums and this is probably not the last message I want to be leaving if I stop coming around. If anything changes, I'll post updates on treatment and whatnot.

[Caroline]

((Shadowfox,

Well... consider this a mixed blessing. I don't normally post to topics like this, but... I've been called out on it. Why don't I post to these things? One, because I tend to keep to myself. Two, Because I'm... on the dangerously caustic side, and I'm not terribly fond of people posting "Woe is me" sorts of thoughts, regardless of the reasoning for them, nor am I very good with a sympathetic ear. The earth still rotates, and the sun has several, billion, years before it burns out.

That warning being said, first, I will grant you the boon that your comments are highly brave. The openness of them does require some sense of self-worth, and a certain amount of courage. So... take that as a positive.

Next, suck it up, and go get help. If you can't deal with your situation on your own, go get therapy. If push comes to shove, ask your wife about her medical insurance, and see if you can use that to qualify for therapy. If it doesn't, let your own parents know that you need help, and that you want to go to a psychiatrist. Shoot, if you were in the military, you qualify for SIX or more free visits to a mental health therapist. I know this, as I'm regularly reminded of it, being in command positions, and having to routinely check on the health (both physical and mental) of my Soldiers. There is no shame in getting help.

Anyway, I hope that helps some. Congradulations on the new house. ))

[Shadow_Twisted]

There's a bit of a local clinic we're looking into. We'll need to call them tomorrow and find out more details. We have two different sources giving us two different stories about invoking the Baker Act so we want to figure out what we can about it before we proceed. If all works out, I'll be checking in day after tomorrow. Thinking generally seems to be my enemy and as the day approaches I just keep going back over things in my head trying to make sense of it all. I don't even know what else to type, I just keep starting sharing something and erasing it. I guess I'm just scared and nervous. On one hand, I have worries about whether or not anything can even be done for me and on the other hand, if there's something I can take, who will I become? Sounds odd to think that way, but I almost feel like I'll finally be meeting myself for the first time if all goes well.

UPDATE: Today is going to be the day I go in. The local clinic was rehab, so we're going further out. The one we're going to is an income-based facility and apparently we will not be seeing the Baker Act getting used because apparently that can up the cost and lead to various other issues.

[Caroline]

((Well, you can't walk a mile by standing in one place.

Anwyay, it's good to hear that you've found a place where you can get the help you need. ))

[Shadow_Twisted]

Today marks day two of medication. I had to stay overnight to see the doctor, but he didn't feel like I needed to be admitted into the full unit. I got prescribed two medications, paxil and lithium. The paxil is for my sociophobia and the lithium is to help with the depression/suicidal thoughts. I have a follow-up appointment for after the medicines have time to build-up to their effective levels. It might actually be a little after I'll be out of medicine, so might need to push it for sooner. So, I guess that sums up this update.

[Shadow_Twisted]

I ended up having to ween my way off the one med because it made me feel tense and anxious ALL the time and left me with some bad shakes. Still waiting a week before my follow-up because I guess it was the earliest available. Oh, and my subscription to the site ran out and it may be some time before I'm financially able to renew. Might be able to if I end up on disability, which seems to be happening for a lot of people with bi-polar in this area. Figured I'd update everyone so no one got to thinking I killed myself or anything.

[henkcobra]

I hope that you get back soon. but first things in rl then dl oke.

ys henk
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[Shadow_Twisted]

The follow-up came and went, and a few things have changed. Got my medication changed at the follow-up. Ended up having to stop taking the new pill as well. On the financial side things are looking up. Fixing the driveway was pricey and my wife ended up borrowing money from her employer to help. She was getting some money taken out from her paychecks, so we were losing out on some money. She's been doing awesome at the new position, so much so that the owners decided to call off the debt. I'm still in the process of finding a suitable medication combo and the side effects have been making it hard to look for work myself. In the meantime, though, I started selling things on eBay. With the move we found a lot of stuff we weren't going to need and so it's going to be my job to sell it off. I'm hoping I'll be able to make enough doing it to rejoin the site, but we'll see.

[Lidia_Apricot]

I'm so glad things are looking up for you and your wife. I wish both of you the best and you will have a full recovery of your foot and your mental health.

(pardon me for my choice of words. ^^!)

[Shadow_Twisted]

At this point I think it's safe to say I'm barely hanging on. The selling has helped and hurt as a sudden $40 charge from eBay wiped out my ability to relax knowing I could pay both my remaining bills this month(about $65 for both) without lifting a finger. Timing is everything and they made sure it was pretty much right before my bills were due so I can't even recover the funds in time without borrowing money from my wife. The financial worries aren't really helping with my mental state either. I was hoping to be a paying member again soon, but now it's more likely to be never. Another appointment, another change in medication, another tapdance around disability. I'm scared about going on this new med as it's supposed to be like Paxil and that one pretty much destroyed me. She did recommend taking half a pill for the first 2 weeks so maybe it won't be so bad, but I have a feeling symptoms without meds vs side effects from med, either way I'm screwed out of ever holding a job. Not that I really mean to be so negative but when I can't catch a break when I need it most it's hard to hold on to hope. So, that about concludes my update/venting. Kinda feels like this is the only place I have to vent, so sorry about always posting the negative stuff >.<

[Shadow_Twisted]

People have told me lately I have no luck. I actually have quite an abundance of luck, it just all happens to be bad. As I mentioned at the end of my last post, I was going to be starting a new medicine. The unfortunate part is I can't afford it. $102 for the 30-day supply so I'm either financially screwed for the rest of my life if it works or out $102 if it goes the way of my previous meds. My wife and I are going to see someone that knows some ins and outs of disability to see what our options are and if I end up on it I may actually have enough money coming in monthly to return to the site. I don't like the idea of living off the government, but I honestly can't see me holding down a job on or off the medicine. I really only have somewhere about $200 worth of bills so even if I had $500 coming in I'd be set.

[Caroline]

((Hey ShadowTwisted,

Well... even bad luck is "luck" of sorts, right? Um... yeah. That's my morbid sense of trying to help out.

Anyway, what you might find out is that getting a spot of disability help at the beginning might get you something better in the long run. So... if that disability gets you the meds/treatment you need now, it might let you network from your current work into better opportunities. If that made any sense.

So... keep up your self-improvement. Rome wasn't built in a day. And it wasn't rebuilt in a day after it caught fire.

And bonus points if you get the "caught fire" reference. ))

[Shadow_Twisted]

Been awhile since I last updated this. I've since seen the new doctor that took over the position so I'll finally get some stability. I was informed about patient assistance and my new medicine I got switched to is only $7/month. Great savings considering it's usually $18/pill. The drawback to it is all my meds need to be picked up through them and so the lithium is $7 too which was $4 at Walmart, but the savings from the other medicine easily make up for it. It'll be awhile before I go back for a follow-up and so next step might be pursuing disability at long last. A friend who is on it told me I could check my estimated benefits online and it looks like a lot higher than I expected. Kinda mixed news since it could effect my billing unless I can get medical coverage with my disability as well. If it all works out, though, I might finally get to see a return to paid membership.

("caught fire" as in Nero burning it down so he could rebuild it to his liking?)

[Caroline]

((Hey Shadow_Twisted,

Yes, it was very much a reference to Emperor Nero.

Anyway, it is good to see that things are moving forward for you. ))

[Shadow_Twisted]

I think they found me an ideal balance of medicines, but the downside is that it doesn't seem to help my nerves around other people. I may or may not try going for a job once more, but with the social anxiety I feel it'd be more worth disability, even if it's not looking like it'd be fully necessary now that my wife got a raise. It would be necessary if I want to enjoy all of my previous indulgences, such as this site, so I want to see.

Note: I realize looking back I've mentioned pursuing disability in a lot of posts, but haven't started the process. While I've raised the issue before with the doctors, no one's really given me a real answer. I'm putting it off because I don't want to apply too early with too little information and get denied, but help hasn't been overly easy to come by. There is one appointment we need to make, but it's only available on one of my wife's busiest days, so hard to arrange.