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JOKE: The worst day.....
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Tadelesh
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Oh, I just remembered another "little Johnny" joke, too:

Little Johnny came home from school today, and asked his mother, "Mum, I heard a couple of new words today. What's a pussy?" To which, his mother opened a book of animals, pointed to a cat and replied, "That's a pussy, Johnny."

Johnny looked slightly confused, then asked, "And what's a bitch?" So his mother turned to a picture of a dog and answered, "That's a bitch, Johnny."

Johnny, still slightly confused, went to his father and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?" His father got out an adult magazine and turned to a page where a woman had her legs spread wide, showing all and sundry. He drew a circle around her groin and replied, "That's a pussy, Johnny."

Johnny, enlightened, then asked, "And what's a bitch, Dad?" His father answered, "Everything outside the circle!"

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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 12:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing I've heard that one before, but it's still funny. Now that the floodgates are open, here's another one:

A traveling salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered the door.
The salesman said, "Hi there, sonny. Is your dad around by any chance?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman continued, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered, then said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked,"Well, is your mother home?"
Johnny replied, "Yes."
The salesman then said, "Well, can I see her?"
Johnny again snickered, and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman, now understanding the situation, said, "So.....do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time, and said "No."
The salesman asked, "Well, why's that?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some super glue."
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Drofgod969
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 2:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked Laughing Laughing Laughing whistling
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh....DAMN! Shocked
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A young lad has a homework assignment. Approaching his father he asks "Dad, what's the difference between fantasy and reality?" His father says "Son, go ask your older sister if she'd have sex with the next door neighbor's son for a million dollars, then ask your Mom if she'd have sex with the mailman for the same amount. So the lad goes to his sister and asks her if she'd have sex with the neighbor's son for a million. Thinking for only a moment, she says yes. Then the boy goes to ask his mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for a million and gets the same reply. After that, he returns to his dad and says "Dad, I asked Mom and Sis the questions you told me and they both said yes. How does this help me with my homework?"
His Dad replied "Well son, in fantasy, we're millionaires, but in reality, we both live with a couple of whores!"
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked.....(*facepalm*) Laughing.

There were once two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old, dilapidated, boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman met Joe, and, mistaking him for John, stated, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking that she was talking about the boat, said, "Hell no, as a matter of fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing water. She had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her, her hole grew bigger, and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyway. The damn fools all tried to get in her at once, and she split right up the damn middle!"

The old woman fainted.


Last edited by Cole Blacke on Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing big grin

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he offered her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born... To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife...Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today. Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without.

Send extra sauce!
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing That reminded me of this one:

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter, being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day, since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow, and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then, that evening, he was served the one-and-only "special delicacy" of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much, smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's some more bull Laughing

One day, there was an old bull and a young bull talking to each other in the pasture. The young bull looked at the older bull and asked, “Did you hear the farmer is getting another bull?”

This upset the older bull. “Before you got here, I had 120 cows to keep me happy. Then I had to give you 50. Well I am not giving up any more of my cows!”

The younger one thought a minute. “Well, I only have 50 and he wants me to give some up. Forget it.”

Just then the farmer pulled up and unloaded the biggest, meanest and ugliest bull ever created. Frightened, the older bull said, “Well at my age I only need a few cows, so I guess he can have as many as he wants.”

The younger one started stomping and snorting and puffing out his chest. The old bull looked at him in amazement. “Are you nuts? A few cows aren’t worth your life.”

“Cows, hell,” the younger one shouted, “he can have all the cows he wants. I just want to make sure he knows I’m not one of them.”
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing That last one really reminded me of this, so allow me temporarily stray away from the jokes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2GzjjiiFBw
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Tearlach
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 12:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Bugger" Laughing
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Axelord58
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had the same thought Laughing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRxcGnBpvVs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwWMDpGrf0o
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Tadelesh
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That "bugger" thing reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0a06gsiF4

Anyway, back to jokes...


An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked him,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied,
'Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am.'

He then asked her what she was. She replied,
'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.'

A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied,
'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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Tearlach
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A variation on a cruder joke I heard:
A rather naive young man walks into a pub and starts to chat to a beautiful lady at the bar. The lady listens for a few minutes and then with a sad smile states " I'm sorry, but your wasting your time I'm a lesbian."
The young man replies. "Oh Lisbon is a great city, what part are you from?."
Taken aback the lady says " No you don't understand I'm a 'Lesbian'."
The lad shakes his head in confusion. " I don't know what one of those is."
The lesbian looks around the room and then points out the Barmaid,
" See the Barmaid, I'd like to rip her blouse open and kiss her tits"
The young man starts to cry.
"What's wrong with you now" She says.
" I think I'm a lesbian too!" Twisted Evil Laughing
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Cole Blacke
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Heh, that reminds me of this one:

Q: How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A: By the ears. Shocked Twisted Evil
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Tadelesh
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Embarassed Laughing It took me a minute to get that one. I had to say it out loud to get it. Laughing
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skybourne87
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 12, 2009 2:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

lmaorofl loved all these jokes
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